I remember it like it was yesterday. At my 10-week appointment with my OB-GYN, I was so excited to see how much my future baby had grown in the last four weeks. It had only been at my last visit a few short weeks prior that it was confirmed that after months of trying, I was finally pregnant! That first ultrasound was so special – it’s when my pregnancy became real for me.
But on that day, when I felt the cool touch of the gel from the ultrasound wand, the anticipation reached a fever pitch. The doctor looked at me, then back at the screen, and then back to me again. I could see it on her face before she spoke a word.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t seem to find a heartbeat.”
There it was. My worst fear was realized. I began crying. My husband embraced me, just as devastated. “When? How?” I asked. The doctor explained that based on the size of the fetus, it had stopped growing shortly after my six-week appointment. “Sometimes it happens for no apparent reason. I’m so sorry for your loss.” I was in shock.
How could I have been walking around for the last several weeks happily thinking that I was growing a new life inside me? Why didn’t I bleed? Why wasn’t I in pain? How could this even happen?
Of course, I knew having a miscarriage was a possibility. Not only was I over 35, but because of my work, I was already aware that miscarriages happen in 10-25% of all known pregnancies. But I was on the lookout for all the tell-tale signs: pain, bleeding, and cramping.
I had what’s called a missed, incomplete, or silent miscarriage – I thought miscarriages were painful, something that could hardly be missed. But I was wrong. A missed miscarriage is when the fetus stops growing for whatever reason but has not physically been miscarried by the body on its own.
While mentally and emotionally processing this loss – I knew that this wasn’t the end of my journey. We would try again as soon as we could. My sadness became determination.
So I asked the doctor – “What’s next? I want to try again.”
She explained that there were two options. I could take a pill that would help expel the tissue, or I could have a procedure to complete the miscarriage and end my pregnancy. Without really internalizing what she was saying, what the doctor just described to me were the two most common ways people have an abortion: using mifepristone and misoprostol (commonly called a medication abortion) or having a dilation and curettage procedure (commonly known as a D&C).
But – isn’t an abortion something that only happens when the fetus is still growing? In my mind, since the fetus had already stopped growing on its own, the procedure I was opting to have wasn’t an abortion. It was to complete the miscarriage and end the pregnancy so I could heal and try again. To be clear, there is absolutely nothing wrong with having an abortion. It’s just not where my head was at; I was mourning and grieving the loss of something I wanted desperately. Maybe I was in denial. Maybe a bit of shock. Maybe both. Or maybe I had just been misinformed. I spent the next week preparing for my miscarriage procedure, as I was calling it.
It wasn’t until I received the bill for my procedure that it was laid out for me in black and white. Listed under services provided was “Incomplete Abortion.” I was in disbelief. “Abortion? I didn’t have an abortion”, I thought. “I had an incomplete miscarriage.” But as we all know, NOTHING slips through the cracks of medical billing. So if the billing department said I had an abortion, there’s no disputing it.
I knew the saying “abortion is healthcare.” But it didn’t really hit me until that exact moment that my intellectual knowledge, passion for reproductive rights, and lived experience came together. Abortion IS healthcare! It was the healthcare I needed to protect my health, and it was a procedure that I needed to have in order to try to get pregnant again.
I want to emphasize that there are many reasons why someone may need or want an abortion – all of them are valid, and all of them are healthcare. Period. Whether it’s for miscarriage management or because the person isn’t ready to be pregnant – it doesn’t matter – it’s always healthcare, and we all deserve the freedom to make our own decisions and live the life we choose.
I consider myself lucky. Thankfully, I live in Pennsylvania, where abortion is legal up to 24 weeks of pregnancy. But if I were one of the millions of women who live in a state with an abortion ban, the doctor would have likely turned me away. She would have said there wasn’t anything she could do. I would have been left to figure it out on my own.
By banning abortion, lawmakers have intentionally sown chaos and confusion into our healthcare system – making it messy and unclear to everyone, from providers to pregnant people seeking care. And even for those of us who feel informed and educated about this issue, the anti-abortion narrative has created a false distinction between miscarriage management and abortion care. We talk about these as two separate things when really they are one and the same: maternal healthcare.
Unfortunately, every day in states where abortion is banned, people are turned away from the life-saving healthcare they need. Sometimes, it’s because doctors are unsure of their state’s current restrictions or they’re afraid of being prosecuted. Or sometimes, it’s because a person lives in an abortion, contraceptive, and maternity care desert with little access to care. And sadly, as we’ve seen from recent news headlines, sometimes it’s because the pregnant person isn’t close enough to death… yet.
Thanks to the procedure that I was able to access, I now have a wonderful, beautiful, and amazing baby boy. But stories like mine should not depend on where someone lives or what kind of health care they are privileged to have. This access – this right – should be available to everyone across the country.
As advocates for reproductive rights and freedom, we must ensure that everyone – particularly politicians, doctors, and most importantly, voters, truly understand what we mean when we say abortion is healthcare.
You can help change the narrative by joining us in this fight. Please sign up for our reproductive health newsletter to stay informed or consider making a tax-deductible contribution to support the National Partnership as we strive to guarantee access to reproductive healthcare for all.
